Ashcroft Declares War on Dissonance
Mike Marlin

Fearing it was only a matter of time before the neurotic and paranoid Bush Administration cracked down on all forms of free speech, including sonic emissions, the Tentacle has learned of a Justice Department plan to crack down on dissonance. On April 15 Lawyers for Sound Development, a Washington, D.C.-based think tank intercepted an email sent by Attorney General John Ashcroft to the President detailing a proposal to detain and possibly arrest "any and all musicians, composers, radio and television hosts who write, perform, or air dissonant or nonharmonious sounds in public spaces or in the mass media." The communique cites a classified FBI report in which police chiefs and county sheriffs warn of subversive "sonic disruptions" frequently heard in coffee shops, nightclubs, theaters, church basements, and on public radio and television stations. The "sour ambience," as documented by law enforcement, is attributable to alienated elements of society that may be seeking to overthrow or seriously disrupt the American dreams of optimism and comfort. "This radical fringe music element is apparently determined to frighten ordinary citizens with their 'free-jazz-punk-noise' provocation," a surprisingly informed Ashcroft posited, "and their presence in society confuses and scares decent Americans and creates opportunities for acts of sabotage and terror." Responding to Bush's recommendation for a new cabinet post , Music Enforcement Administration (MEA) Czar, the Attorney General recommended appointing former Bush Sr. administration spokesman Lee Atwater as MEA Secretary and urged that vigilante committees be set up at town meetings in order to smoke out and silence those discordant operatives that pose an inherent danger to society. Calls and emails to senior Justice Department officials have not been returned thus far, and the Tentacle has learned of no subsequent actions taken to quell dissonant forms of music. And although we suspect the government's hysteria is attributable to Dubbya's confusion of the words "dissidence" and dissonance," one can never be too careful in this atmosphere of intolerance towards free speech in the aftermath of 9-11. We recommend concerned readers contact your local and national representatives and remind them that the attempt at supression of dissonant intervals was tried hundreds of years ago and difficult music came back stronger than ever in the 20th century.